Letter 96

To Olympius. I call as witness the divinity honored by both philosophy and friendship: I would have preferred many deaths to the bishopric. But God has imposed on me not what I desired but what He willed. I pray that He who gave me life will also protect it, so that this office may seem not a descent from philosophy but a step upward toward it. In the meantime, just as I would share any pleasure with you, my dearest friend, I now share my grief — so that you may suffer with me and, after examining the matter in light of my character, offer your opinion on what I ought to do. As things stand, I am grappling with this at a distance. I have been in this terrible position for over six months, far from the people among whom I will serve as priest. I am still trying to learn exactly what this office requires. If it is possible to fulfill its duties philosophically, I will do so. But if it proves incompatible with my way of thinking, what better course than to sail straight for Greece? For if I refuse the priesthood, I can no longer dream of returning to my own city — unless I am prepared to be the most dishonored and accursed of men, living surrounded by enemies.

Letter 96: Becoming Bishop; Spiritual Crisis [1] To Olympius I call to witness that divinity whom both philosophy and friendship honor, that I should have preferred many deaths to the bishopric. But God has imposed upon me not what I desired but what He wished. I pray Him, therefore, who has been the giver of my life, to be its protector also, so that this office may not seem to me a descent from the realm of philosophy, but rather a step upwards to it. [2] Meantime, just as if any pleasure had come to me, I should have shared it with you, my dearest friend, so also I send to you the recital of my griefs, in order that you may suffer with me, and that after scrutinizing the matter in question with reference to my character, you may, if possible, express an opinion as to what I ought to do. [3] As it is, I am trying to tackle the matter at a distance. I have been for over six months in this dreadful position, far from the men amongst whom I shall be a priest. I am waiting to learn exactly what the nature of this office is. If it is possible, I will perform the duties with philosophy, but if it cannot be reconciled with my school of thought and sect, what better could I do than sail straight for illustrious Greece? For if I refuse the priesthood, I can no longer dream of returning to my own city either, unless I am prepared to be the most dishonored and accursed of all men, living amidst a crowd of enemies.