Letter 1005: With how great devotion my mind prostrates itself before your Venerableness I cannot fully express in words; nor yet do I labour to give utterance to it, since, even though I were silent, you read in your heart your own sense of my devotion. I wonder, however, that you withdrew your countenance, till of late bestowed on me, from this my recent e...

Book I, Letter 5 To Theoctista, Sister of the Emperor [Emperor Mauricius, ruler of the Byzantine Empire]. Gregory to Theoctista. I cannot fully express in words how deeply devoted I am to you -- nor do I need to, since even if I said nothing, you would sense my devotion in your own heart. I am puzzled, though, that you withdrew the goodwill you had previously shown me once I took on this pastoral office. Under the guise of the bishopric, I have been dragged back into the world and burdened with earthly responsibilities greater than anything I experienced even as a layman. I have lost the deep joys of my contemplative quiet. Outwardly I seem to have risen, but inwardly I have fallen. I grieve to find myself banished from the presence of my Creator. I used to strive daily to escape the world and the flesh, to drive all bodily distractions from my soul's vision and see heavenly joys directly. Not just with my voice but from the depths of my heart I used to say, "My heart has said to You, I have sought Your face; Your face, Lord, will I seek" (Psalm 26:8). Desiring nothing, fearing nothing in this world, I felt I stood on a kind of summit, so that I almost believed the Lord's promise through the prophet was being fulfilled in me: "I will lift you up upon the high places of the earth" (Isaiah 58:14). For anyone is lifted above earthly heights when they look down on even the world's most impressive glories and trample them underfoot in their mind. But I have been suddenly hurled from that summit by the whirlwind of this trial. I have fallen into fear and trembling -- not for myself, but for those entrusted to my care. I am tossed on every side by waves of business and sunk by storms, so that I can truly say, "I have come into the depth of the sea, and the storm has overwhelmed me" (Psalm 68:3). After the day's business I long to return to my inner self, but I am driven away by the empty noise of my thoughts and cannot find my way back. What is deepest within me has become distant from me, and I cannot obey the prophet's command: "Return to your heart, transgressors" (Isaiah 46:8). Crushed by foolish thoughts, I can only cry out: "My heart has failed me" (Psalm 39:13). I have loved the beauty of the contemplative life like Rachel -- barren but clear-sighted and beautiful (Genesis 29) -- who in her quietness bears less fruit but sees the light more keenly. Yet somehow Leah has been given to me instead: the active life, fruitful but weak-eyed, seeing less but producing more. I longed to sit at the Lord's feet with Mary, taking in His words. But instead I am forced to serve with Martha in worldly affairs, "careful and troubled about many things" (Luke 10:39-40). I believed a legion of demons had been cast out of me, and I wished to rest at the Savior's feet, forgetting the world. But the command comes against my will: "Return to your house, and declare how great things the Lord has done for you" (Mark 5:19). Yet who can preach the wonders of God while drowning in earthly cares? It is already hard for me even to remember them. Pressed as I am in this high office by a crowd of worldly responsibilities, I see myself among those of whom it is written: "While they were being raised up, you cast them down" (Psalm 72:18). He did not say "after they had been raised up" but "while they were being raised up" -- because all corrupt leaders fall inwardly even while they appear to rise outwardly through the support of worldly position. Their very exaltation is their downfall: relying on false glory, they are emptied of true glory. As it also says, "Consuming away like smoke, they shall consume away" (Psalm 36:20). Smoke rises and dissipates. So it is when worldly success accompanies a sinner's life -- the very thing that seems to elevate him ensures his undoing. Again it is written: "My God, make them like a wheel" (Psalm 82:14). A wheel is lifted at the back and falls at the front. For us, "the things behind" are the goods of this present world that we leave behind, while "the things before" are what is eternal and enduring -- as Paul says, "Forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth to those things which are before" (Philippians 3:13). The sinner who advances in this life becomes like a wheel: rising in what he will leave behind, falling away from what lies ahead in eternity. There are certainly many who know how to handle outward advancement without falling inwardly. As it is written: "God casts not away the mighty, seeing that He also is mighty" (Job 36:5). And Solomon says: "A man of understanding shall possess governments" (Proverbs 1:5). But for me these things are difficult and exceedingly burdensome. What the mind has not willingly accepted, it does not manage well. Our most serene Lord the Emperor [Mauricius] has commanded an ape to be made into a lion. By his order it can be called a lion, but a lion it cannot become. So His Piety must himself bear the blame for all my faults and shortcomings, having entrusted a ministry of power to a weak servant.

Book I, Letter 5 To Theoctista, Sister of the Emperor. Gregory to Theoctista, etc. With how great devotion my mind prostrates itself before your Venerableness I cannot fully express in words; nor yet do I labour to give utterance to it, since, even though I were silent, you read in your heart your own sense of my devotion. I wonder, however, that you withdrew your countenance, till of late bestowed on me, from this my recent engagement in the pastoral office; wherein, under color of episcopacy, I have been brought back to the world; in which I am involved in such great earthly cares as I do not at all remember having been subjected to even in a lay state of life. For I have lost the deep joys of my quiet, and seem to have risen outwardly while inwardly falling down. Whence I grieve to find myself banished far from the face of my Maker. For I used to strive daily to win my way outside the world, outside the flesh; to drive all phantasms of the body from the eyes of my soul, and to see incorporeally supernal joys; and not only with my voice but in the core of my heart I used to say, My heart has said to You, I have sought Your face, Your face, Lord, will I seek Psalm 26:8. Moreover desiring nothing, fearing nothing, in this world, I seemed to myself to stand on a certain summit of things, so that I almost believed to be fulfilled in me what I had learned of the Lord's promise through the prophet, I will lift you up upon the high places of the earth Isaiah 58:14. For he is lifted up upon the high places of the earth who treads under foot through looking down upon them in his mind even the very things of the present world which seem lofty and glorious. But, having been suddenly dashed from this summit of things by the whirlwind of this trial, I have fallen into fears and tremors, since, even though I have no fears for myself, I am greatly afraid for those who have been committed to me. On every side I am tossed by the waves of business, and sunk by storms, so that I may truly say, I have come into the depth of the sea, and the storm has overwhelmed me Psalm 68:3. After business I long to return to my heart; but, driven therefrom by vain tumults of thoughts, I am unable to return. From this cause, then, that which is within me is made to be far from me, so that I cannot obey the prophetic voice which says, Return to your heart, transgressors Isaiah 46:8. But, pressed by foolish thoughts, I am impelled only to exclaim, My heart has failed me Psalm 39:13. I have loved the beauty of the contemplative life as a Rachel, barren, but keen of sight and fair Genesis 29, who, though in her quietude she is less fertile, yet sees the light more keenly. But, by what judgment I know not, Leah has been coupled with me in the night, to wit, the active life; fruitful, but tender-eyed; seeing less, but bringing forth more. I have longed to sit at the feet of the Lord with Mary, to take in the words of His mouth; and lo, I am compelled to serve with Martha in external affairs, to be careful and troubled about many things Luke 10:39, seq.. A legion of demons having been, as I believed, cast out of me, I wished to forget those whom I had known, and to rest at the feet of the Saviour; and lo it is said to me, so as to compel me against my will, Return to your house, and declare how great things the Lord has done for you Mark 5:19. But who in the midst of so many earthly cares may be able to preach the wondrous works of God, it being already difficult for me even to call them to mind? For, pressed as I am in this office of dignity by a crowd of secular occupations, I see myself to be of those of whom it is written, While they were being raised up you cast them down Psalm 72:18. For he said not, You cast them down after they had been raised up, but while they were being raised up; because all bad men fall inwardly, while through the support of temporal dignity they seem outwardly to rise. Wherefore their very raising up is their fall, because, while they rely on false glory, they are emptied of true glory. Hence, again, he says, Consuming away as smoke shall they consume away Psalm 36:20. For smoke in rising consumes away, and in extending itself vanishes. And so indeed it comes to pass when present felicity accompanies the life of a sinner, since whereby he is shown to be exalted, thereby it is brought about that he should cease to be. Hence, again, it is written, My God, make them like a wheel Psalm 82:14. For a wheel is lifted up in its hinder parts, and in its fore parts falls. But to us the things that are behind are the goods of the present world, which we leave behind us; but the things that are before are those which are eternal and permanent, to which we are called, as Paul bears witness, saying, Forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth to those things which are before Philippians 3:13. The sinner, therefore, when he is advanced in the present life, is made to be as a wheel, since, while falling in the things which are before, he is lifted up in the things which are behind. For, when he enjoys in this life the glory which he must leave behind, he falls from that which comes after this life. There are indeed many who know how so to control their outward advancement as by no means to fall inwardly thereby. Whence it is written, God casts not away the mighty, seeing that He also Himself is mighty Job 36:5. And it is said through Solomon, A man of understanding shall possess governments Proverbs 1:5. But to me these things are difficult, since they are also exceedingly burdensome; and what the mind has not received willingly it does not control fitly. Lo, our most serene Lord the Emperor has ordered an ape to be made a lion. And, indeed, in virtue of his order it can be called a lion, but a lion it cannot be made. Wherefore his Piety must needs himself take the blame of all my faults and short-comings, having committed a ministry of power to a weak agent. About this page Source. Translated by James Barmby. From Nicene and Post-Nicene Fathers, Second Series, Vol. 12. Edited by Philip Schaff and Henry Wace. (Buffalo, NY: Christian Literature Publishing Co., 1895.) 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